Childhood Depression and What You Can Do About It

When N was diagnosed with depression last year, I was devastated!  He was only 7 years old...I felt like I had failed as a mother.  I mean, what sort of mom can't make her child happy?  Of course this is a totally unfair assumption, but those were the thoughts running through my mind at the time.  When the doctor had asked N if he was happy, he replied, "Not very much."  This broke. my. heart.

Dyslexia and depression often go hand in hand and the reason is obvious.  Every day N is forced to be in an environment that constantly reminds him he is failing.  Dyslexia doesn't just affect his reading ability but every aspect of his learning and life.  Handwriting is tedious, spelling feels hopeless, learning facts near impossible, multi-step directions are overwhelming, he even struggles to recall certain words as he speaks.   Every day he goes to school knowing he will face countless hurdles that are simply too high. No matter how hard he tries, he is never as successful as his peers.  Couple this with the fact that most teachers are not trained in dyslexia and know nothing about it. (Major improvement is needed in teacher prep programs and professional development.)  Thus, his well-intentioned teachers have no idea how to help him.  So the gap just gets wider and wider which causes his self-esteem to plummet lower and lower.

While N has been fortunate to have had nurturing and understanding teachers, many students find themselves facing a hostile and uncompromising learning environment.  Being told to "try harder" can be damaging to a child with a learning disability who is already giving his all.  Worse, many students are mocked or even humiliated. A former inmate, now actor/producer Ameer Baraka, shared his experience in this article.  He said, "And I'll never forget when I had to read in sixth grade, and I was called before my English class to read and the teacher simply embarrassed me, because I sit up there for about 10 minutes just floundering through a book not knowing any of the words. And I knew that day I was going to be a dope dealer."  Tragically, most students with dyslexia will never be diagnosed.  They will simply trudge through the school system, haunted by feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. 

So what was I to do?  I knew I couldn't remove the source of N's depression.  He would always have dyslexia, I couldn't make it go away (even though he often asked me if it would 😟). His neuro-psychologist suggested medication and supportive therapy.  I decided to forgo the medication.  He was already on meds for ADHD and epilepsy and I didn't want to add something to the mix.  We began supportive therapy immediately.

After a few months of therapy, I was shocked when N's doctor called me in and told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was getting absolutely nowhere.  😳  He told me N was "a tough one to crack" and he was making no progress with him. He described N as having, for lack of a better term, an "Eeyore complex."  It described N's attitude perfectly.

I didn't understand the depths of N's feelings until months later.  It was August, we had been tutoring all summer, and school was starting soon.  N and I sat at the kitchen table during a tutoring session.  I held up the flash card, "ow."  He struggled to recall the sound.  I could almost see his thought process...he realized he knew this one yesterday...so why couldn't he retrieve it today?  He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I just hate my brain, Mom!" And then he sobbed and sobbed...deep, heavy, and heart-felt sobs.  I had never heard him cry like this.  He felt utter defeat. And I felt utter despair.

What could I do?  Thankfully I had some ideas.  Our neuro-psych had not abandoned us...he gave me a specific idea to help N change his attitude and I also had a network of dyslexia parents ready with advice.

So here is my list of things that work for N and his depression:

1. Token Economy System

When our neuro-pysch suggested a reward system, at first I kind of inwardly rolled my eyes.  How would this help his depression? But this is different than other reward systems I have used and I've found that it really works.  He told me to make a very specific goal for N and then let him earn a token every time he meets that goal.  N's goal is to say or do something positive.  Every time he does this, he earns a point.  (The dr suggested a token of some sort...but I knew N would just lose those, lol. So we mark his points up on a small whiteboard that hangs in our kitchen).  Once N earns 10 points, he get's a prize.  These prizes should be like a "slot machine."  -You never know what you're going to get.  I made a grab bag with slips of paper with different prizes written on them.  We have things like: 30 min extra screen time, YOGO TOGO, Lego mini-figure, candy bar, date with Mom/Dad, prize box, Fiiz drink, etc.   This system has motivated N tremendously.  It's been fun to see the change in him as we've been doing this.  He will often ask me questions, "Mom, if I do _________, would that be positive?" It has sparked a lot of conversation about positive thinking and an awareness that was never there before.

2. Focus on the Positive

Focus on the positive qualities of your child and point them out EVERY DAY.  Point them out to both your child and to others.  Remember that day that N said he hated his brain and sobbed and sobbed?  We had a good conversation that day.  As he sobbed, I pulled him onto my lap and told him he has an amazing brain and began to list specific things he did so well because of his brain. I told him his brain is why he's so good at building 3d shapes out of cardboard and Legos.  I told him his brain is why he's so kind, funny, and personable. People love to be around him! I told him it's not his fault it's so hard to read.  He looked at me surprised and said, "It's not?" I said "No, your brain just learns differently and it's my job to teach you the way your brain will learn."

One conversation is not enough though. Because N has such poor self-esteem, it has become my mission to compliment him several times every day.  And I take it a step further, and attribute the compliment to his brain.  So, I'll say things like, "What a clever idea, N!  That's so awesome your brain came up with that." I want to change his view of himself and his brain.

An interesting thing to note is that people with dyslexia have very similar strengths.  Find out more about these strengths and help cultivate them.  For example, dyslexics think out side the box, are very personable, are great problem solvers, and love to make 3D creations.  Did you know that over a third of entrepreneurs are dyslexic? You can read more about these strengths and many others in the book, The Dyslexic Advantage: Unlocking the Hidden Potential of the Dyslexic Brain.

I have been so vocal explaining all the amazing aspects of dyslexia that my 5 yr old daughter excitedly asked me, "Can I have dyslexia too?"

3. Develop a Talent

Find an outlet for them!  Find some type of extracurricular activity that will boost their confidence and create a positive feeling. Children with depression (and anxiety) can really stress themselves out with their own anxious thoughts. Get them involved in an activity that will get them out of their head and thinking about something else.

When N mentioned he wanted to start karate, I wasn't sure.  I talked to the karate teacher and mentioned how N struggles with gross motor skills and had been referred to physical therapy.  The karate teacher replied that many students who need physical therapy see huge results with karate. We decided to give it a try and it has been AMAZING!  N absolutely loves going each time.  He feels confident and proud of what he's learning. He loves to show off his karate moves to anyone who will watch.  Earning different color belts is very motivating for him and his teachers are incredibly supportive. I'm so glad we found something he loves to do!

4. Books 

What ever your child is dealing with, find books they can relate to.  We found lots of books either about dyslexia, have main character with dyslexia, or by dyslexic authors.  It is rewarding and eye-opening for both of us to read these books together.  There is a great list here and here.

5. Empower them

Teach your child how to stand up for themselves.  I often overhear N explain to people, "I have dyslexia so doing this is hard for me."  I love that he is comfortable and able to explain his struggles to others. It's so important for your child to self-advocate because you won't always be there. It's also very advantageous for him to have a diagnosis...he knows that things are hard for him because of his dyslexia and NOT because he is dumb or stupid or whatever.

Teach your child that they are not alone. We have networked with our local Decoding Dyslexia chapter and they have regular activities for youth.  It's a wonderful opportunity for N to meet and be around other kids with dyslexia. The "Super D" show on YouTube is also a great resource.  All the child actors in this series have some type of learning disability and the show focuses on different types of social-emotional themes.

Teach your child they can succeed.  I love teaching N about others with dyslexia.  There is a list of very successful individuals who have/had dyslexia: Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, Jackie Chan, Richard Branson, Tim Tebow, Picasso, Tom Cruise, Walt Disney, Whoopi Goldberg, Steven Spielberg and more.  N laughs and giggles with delight every time I tell him about another person with dyslexia.  He loves the book series, Dogman and was over-the-moon when we found out that the author, Dav Pilkey, is dyslexic.

6. Accommodations

Providing accommodations at home and school can help alleviate some of the stress your child is feeling.  Extra time, shortened assignments, preferential seating, audio books, and taking breaks are some examples that help N at school.  N's 3rd grade teacher has a "calm-down spot" in her classroom where students can go when they are upset.  N has spent quite a bit of time in that little corner.

We have purchased a subscription to Learning Ally, which is a huge database of human-read audio books.  N absolutely loves listening to books every night before bedtime.  He is able to "ear-read" the same types of books that the other kids are "eye-reading."  This has fostered a love of literacy and he is able to develop vocabulary, comprehension, and listening skills.

7.  Be an advocate

You are the one who needs to look out for your child. Be an advocate and be active in finding ways to support him/her. I know it can be hard to admit your child has depression, but I think it's helpful for others to know.  I remember when our school librarian came up to me one day, mentioning to me how N was crying and having a difficult time in library that day.  I thanked her for being so patient with him and said, "He has depression and often has a hard time.  So I appreciate anything you can do to make his day better." This leads into my next tip:

8. Talk About It

This comment to the librarian ended up being beneficial for me because she began to praise me for everything I was doing for him.  She repeatedly said, "You're such a good mom!"  It was so nice to hear because we are often so hard on ourselves as parents.  It made me smile and lightened my load for a minute.  So, my advice?  Don't be afraid to tell people! You might be surprised at the support and advice you'll receive. Talk to your friends, coworkers, and colleagues.  Ask for advice.  Pray.  Relying on my Heavenly Father has really helped me through this.

Recent Success

I am thrilled to say that we have seen HUGE improvement in N's attitude over the past 6 months. These ideas are really working! Here are a few recent victories:

One morning, about a month ago, N wanted to draw a picture for his teacher.  He was drawing a picture of himself sitting in his classroom and said, "Mom, I'm the most happy one in my classroom."  Instantly surprised and curious, I asked why and he said, "Because I'm starting to love school."  My jaw literally dropped! He has loathed school since he was in kindergarten. (In fact, when asked about his favorite part of kindergarten, he'd respond, "Going home."  😅)

Then a couple weeks later, he asked me if he had tutoring that day.  I told him yes and he said, "Good."  "Good?" I asked, thinking I had misheard. "Yeah, Mom.  Because I won't get better if she doesn't teach me."  I was overjoyed. What an amazing attitude.

And just last week, N was racing cars and building complicated race tracks for them to drive on.  Completely unprompted he said, "Mom, if I didn't have dyslexia, I probably wouldn't be as good at making these race car tracks." 💖  That's the power of positive thinking!