Healing Depression Through the Science of Reading

My son has experienced many highs and lows since I wrote the blog post Childhood Depression and How You can Help, but at the end of his 3rd grade year he seemed to hit rock bottom. It could be because I had not been as vigorous and proactive with his depression as I had the previous year. I perhaps got a little relaxed with some of the ideas I felt so passionately about. -But he also started to really compare himself to his peers at this age, and the gaps in his learning were becoming more and more apparent to him. He’d stare dejectedly at all his school assignments…a big, red 1 at the top of each paper…and he’d anxiously tell me that everyone else in his class got 3’s. 

I will never forget the day he looked me in the eyes and said, “I wish I was one of those babies that got left in a hot car.” It took my breath away. My beautiful son was sinking. Suddenly we were bombarded with suicidal thoughts, desires, and comments. “I wish I was dead!” he would scream desperately over and over. I witnessed him choking himself with his hands many times. He held a knife up to his throat. He would sob and sob in my arms, his body shaking as he told me how stupid he was and how much he wanted to die. 

I knew these problems were bigger than what I could handle, so we reached out to a therapist for help. I was skeptical at first and did not think my 9 yr. old could understand what she meant when she asked him to identify his negative self-core belief…but he could. “I am stupid,” he stated. Then she worked with him to challenge that belief and I was surprised to find him applying things she had taught him at home. 

But out of all the things I have done for my son’s depression, what is helping him most is the ability to read. He was going to a tutor twice a week, but I could see we needed it more often. So, I became certified in the Orton-Gillingham method and started working with him myself every day. We started at the end of his 3rd grade year, and barely missed a day that summer. As his reading improved, so did his self-esteem. I remember a family reunion we went to at the end of the season, right before he started 4th grade. When we went around the room with introductions, my son told everyone his name and then said, “I have dyslexia, but I can read 4th grade books.” He was so proud! His wounded spirit was steadily recovering. 

Now, he is in 5th grade, and while he has not caught up with his peers in his fluency rate yet, he can read on a 5th grade level. Even more importantly, he loves to read! He reads aloud to me every night at 8:00 sharp and even when I am tired, or wanting to watch a TV show, he pleads and insists that we read. Nothing makes me happier than hearing his passion for books! 

There are no more suicidal comments, wishes, or attempts. He is not only coming to terms with his disabilities, but he is fully embracing them. One day he worriedly asked me, “Mom, will all this reading make me give up my dyslexia? I told him no, that he would always have dyslexia. He responded, “Oh, good! I don’t want to give up dyslexia because it makes my brain have such good ideas and be so creative.” 

We still have sad days occasionally. I get to work with him at school each day, and some days he comes in and cries for a bit. -Usually about math and the latest timed test they have taken. “Everyone else is so fast,” he will lament. But most days are beautiful and filled with the joy that reading ability can bring. The fractures in his heart are healing and his confidence is growing. 

When I wrote my blog post, The 7 Deadly Errors of Teaching Reading, one teacher on Twitter scoffed and remarked how she highly doubted teaching reading could create a life-or-death situation. We, dyslexia moms, know better. We witness the effects of poor reading instruction every day. There is a reason we are so passionate, so angry, so committed. Our children are in pain. They are haunted. Some have given up. We see these things and we are determined to do everything possible to prevent others from feeling the way that our children feel. So, yes, sometimes we are angry and less than patient with those who refuse to look at the research base behind the “science of reading.” We become annoyed with those who cling to reading strategies based on debunked methods. It is not because we hate educators, but because of the battle scars our own children wear. Giving teachers proper training, support, and curriculum based on the science of reading can save the lives of our children and prevent the school-to-prison pipeline. 

As a teacher, I often feel remorse at the students I taught before I had the knowledge that I do now. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had been taught these things in college. I wish I understood these things when my son was young. I am overwhelmed with sorrow when I think about the difference I could have made with him when he was in kindergarten. I could have prevented many of the things he has gone through. 

My son’s experiences have lit a fire within me that will never burn out. I will fight for him and for all my students. I have been asked if, one day, I would like to go into administration, literacy coaching, or curriculum development. -But I feel like I need to be on the front lines, preventing and remediating reading problems as much as I can. Through my son’s battle with depression and dyslexia, I have seen the healing power of reading ability. I need to bring that power to as many children as I can.